also the rapist talked to my friend about me. and they said “u probably don’t like me bc of what julia’s said about me”.
bc of what i said. not bc of what they did. but w/e. they know what they’ve done and they know better than anyone how that has made me feel. they’ve seen it a hundred times. they’ve seen me crying my eyes out after everytime they raped me. i want to talk to them so badly, i want them to listen to me but i know that will never happen. i also know there’s really no need. they already know everything, they know what they’ve done and what a mess i’ve been bc of them. there’s not really anything to say.
it’s not my responsibility to make them take responsibility for what they’ve done, it’s not my responsibility to make them stop raping ppl. they are fully responsible for what they’ve done and for what they’re still doing. it’s not my fault, not my guilt, not my shame. all the shame and the guilt is theirs.
so a close friend of mine is hanging out with a person who raped and abused me from i was thirteen till i was fifteen. my friend knows about this and don’t really seem to mind. it makes me so sad. it feels like a stab to the heart everytime she mentions it.
i feel like they did nothing wrong, that i’m just being oversensitive. i feel so helpless. almost everyone i used to be friends with left me when it came out i was raped. no one believed me. not even my own mom, she was also on the abusers side. she thought it was my fault, that they did nothing wrong, that i was being oversensitive. just like everyone else.
and now my friend is hanging out with the person who ruined my life, who’s fucked me up like no one else. i’m still messed up bc of them.
everyone knows but no one believes me. everyone will always choose them over me. not even my own friends care.
I don’t understand the logic that whoever is calmest in an argument is winning and that somehow anger invalidates your words. I mean I can argue that your great aunt’s name is Jihinksenbob for an hour straight and be perfectly fine. It’s very easy to be calm when the topic doesn’t affect you personally or you just don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.